Seal Clubbing Safari

Let’s talk about the “dark art” of Seal Clubbing in War Thunder. This is where an experienced player—someone who actually knows where the ammo racks are hidden, where the best place to hide and the best way to fight —drops into low-tier matches and absolutely wipes the floor with the greenhorns.

They are like the Terminator – “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!”

Nothing gets a noob more enraged and floods the forums than getting sniped from across the map by a guy with 5,000 hours in a spaded vehicle. But before you start typing an angry manifesto in the comments, let’s get a few things straight about how this site works.

First of all its my site.

The Ground Rules

1. My site. My Rules. I don’t give a f.**k about your opinion. The War Thunder community is a beautiful, chaotic disaster. It’s toxic, elitist, and covers such a massive range of modes that there’s a hater under every rock. Personally, I like WWII tanks. I’m not interested in the “press button to win” top-tier missile meta (though I dip my toes in occasionally). If that offends your sensibilities, refer back to Rule #1.

2. I’m actually here to help (kind of). I’m not a total monster. While I enjoy a clinical win, I’ll try to help you noobs not end up as a flaming wreck in the first thirty seconds. I’ll break down the maps and show you where you’re going wrong so you can at least put up a fight before I send you back to the hangar.

3. I play Arcade. Deal with it. I’m in that 30–40% minority that actually enjoys Arcade Battles. I like the fast pace and the boosted engines. I live in Scotland; the weather is shit and my job is stressful. When I get home, I want to enjoy myself—not spend twenty minutes creeping across a map looking for a changing pixel. I grew up on Unreal Tournament; I like high-speed chaos. Arcade is the closest thing to that.

I can already hear the purists screaming: “There’s no skill in Arcade! Come play Realistic! You should be embarrassed!” Refer to Rule #1. I’m here for a good time, not a second job.

4. I play the game the way I want. At the end of the day, War Thunder is a game it isn’t my life like some people. I pay for the premium time, I pay for the premoum tanks I want (in the sale and impulsively). I grind when I can be arssed, and I’ll play the way that brings me the most joy—even if that means clubbing a few seals along the way. I actually travel the world and go outside lol

5. Seriously, I don’t care. Not about your tank rankings, not your “superior” game mode, and definitely not your complaints about “honor.” This isn’t a democracy; it’s my website. If you have an issue Refer to Rule #1